Handcuffs and Homosexual Fight Club
by The Amazing Fetus
Summary: Diederich finds himself at the hand of one of Vincent Phantomhive's unusual and perverted "lessons" on how to better his own "detective skills". In other words, he wakes up and finds himself naked and cuffed to a bed.


This is actually a short portion of a fanfic I am currently writing called "Catacombs", which is an epic length fanfic about Vincent Phantomhive's early life and his relationship with Diederich. Because Catacombs is a super long project I am still looking for a dedicated beta reader for, I'm just going to post this little bit of it here since it might take quite a awhile for Catacombs to be posted.

This bit is completely good on it's own and stands well by itself.

Hope you like it!

* * *

"God damn you, Vincent Phantomhive!" Diederich screamed. He was naked and handcuffed to Frances Phantomhive's bed. The only logical explanation for this is that Vincent drugged him, stripped him, and then handcuffed him to France's bed and the only reason Diederich knew Vincent did this is because Frances hated him and Vincent hated him even more than Frances did, and Vincent had a very weird way of expressing his hatred. A way that some might consider perverse and psychotic.

"Let me out of these stupid fucking handcuffs!"

"You promised me that you would hone your detective skills. Learning how to break out of handcuffs is a skill. I'm helping you," Vincent said. He put emphasis on help. Teaching Diederich how to get out of intense situations would help him and it's not his own fault that Vincent has a very unorthodox set of teaching skills.

"Helping me?! You're just going to fondle me whilest I sleep!"

"Please, if anything I'd only want to do that if you're awake. It wouldn't be any fun to tease you if you couldn't respond. It would be boring."

"I'm going to kill you!"

"Well, first things first you're going to have to get out of those handcuffs and this is my sisters bed. Oh, did you know that she's currently courting your former fag, Alexis Midford and he's going to be here in less than an hour? Possibly, in this very room. It would be very humiliating for your former classmate to see you handcuffed to his lady's bed. He might even become very angry with you and goodness, you're handcuffed like that so if he wants to hurt you he'd be able to do it. He carries a sword around with him, so he might really hurt you if I told him that you had sex with Frances. Which I did," Vincent informed with a calm voice and a smiling face.

"I am going to kill you. So help me I am going to strangle you and mutilate the corpse!" he screamed. Vincent wanted to inform him that he was wasting his precious time, and that, yes, he would actually let Alexis believe that lie and pummel the everloving shit out of him if he didn't run away. But he figured, hey, it was all apart of the learning experience. Nobody said this was an easy job.

"Let's have fun waiting for him to arrive, yes?" Vincent asked. He pulled up a gold trimmed vanity chair from in front of France's makeup table and sat across from Diederich.

"Vincent please," he begged. He was going to get severely injured if Vincent did not do something about the situation.

"Vincent this is fucking ridiculous." He was currently not doing anything but watching him writhe around in a panic with a smile on his face. That fucking bastard.

"You're not going to let him hurt me, are you?"  
He was, he really was.

"Where is Frances?"

"She's out hunting. She won't be home before Alexis," Vincent explained.

"Can you help me out of these, please?"

"Thats not part of the deal, my friend. You need to learn how to get yourself out of these kinds of situations. Especially since anyone who captures you will probably kill you even quicker than Alexis will," Vincent said. He was not going to lie about the chance of dying on this job to Diederich. So far the Watchdog job has had a ninety percent mortality rate, but only because Vincent purposefully killed the last Earl Phantomhive. If one jossed that particular incident, then the job had a 100% mortality rate.

"I'll kill you!" screamed someone who was no Diderich, but rather, Alexis Midford. And Oh boy did he sound angry.

"Sounds like our guest is here," Vincent said. He took out a japanese tea cup that was decorated with a traditional autumn scene of japanese maple trees with little gold details scattered here and there. It was absolutely not the right

"Are you drinking tea?!"

"Of course, what better to accompany a show like this than a nice green?"

"I can't believe you'd betray me like this!" Alexis shouted at Diederich, who was too scared to be embarrassed over the fact that he was totally nude in front of one of his good friends; one of his good friend who had a sword with him and wanted to chop his dick off with it. Alexis's face was red and puffy, and he was crying as loudly as he was shouting at Diederich. Vincent did not feel bad about this.

"I love Frances, you bastard!" Alexis shouted before lunging at Diederich, predictably, with the sword. Vincent would have felt proud to know that Alexis really did love his sister but he also didn't want his assistant being mortally wounded.

"I can explain," Diederich protested. he had managed to try and swerve away from the sword, which was now stuck in Frances's mattress but his hands were cuffed behind his neck and to the headboard of her bed, so there was a whole lot of avoiding he could do.

"No you can't! You can explain nothing. I really care about Frances, I want her to be happy and to be my wife, and what do you want? Her body? You're just a pig! You don't care about her at all, you stoic son of a bitch!" Alexis shouted. he tried pullingout his sword, but he couldn't and so he punched Diederich in the face and chest while crying over him. Vincent laughed at this. Diederich was going to be bruised horribly by the time Midford was done with him! That would teach him to not listen to Vincent.

"What the hell is going on here?!" Frances shrieked. The situation made itself very clear before her. Vincent's friend (or whatever Vincent considered him to be), Diederich was handcuffed to her bed and naked. On top of Diederich was Alexis, Diederich's friend from Weston, and also Frances's love interest. Alexis pummeled the shit out of him and cried Frances's name within some incoherent babble as he did so. His sword was now stuck in Frances's mattress. Blood was getting over her comforters and pillows. Vincent was watching all of this with a smile on his face while drinking tea out of fine, japanese tea cups. It looked like a gay, non consensual fight club was happening in her bedroom. She yanked the sword out of her bed and had it pointed at the three young men in the room. The action ceased immediately.

"Vincent Phantomhive, you will explain this situation immediately!" It was always Vincent to blame for these things. The sword's tip was at his throat and brushing up against his cravat.

"Well, in order to help prepare Diederich for the job, I put him in handcuffs and gave him a high pressure situation to motivate him out of the handcuffs."

"And what situation was that?"

"I told Alexis that Dee took advantage of your kind spirit that only he believes in, and he was furious so he came here to beat him up. And Diederich just spent the entire time yelling at me instead of trying to break free and he ended up getting the hell knocked out of him. Because he wouldn't listen to me," Vincent explained.

"Do not blame me for this, Phantomhive!" Diederich yelled. He was completely not at fault for this. He was also punch drunk and bleeding, and still muderiously homicidal though the pain was starting to diffuse some of the anger he felt. Wow, Alexis Midford could punch up a guy.

"Did you strip him and drug him?"

"Not in that order."

"Vincent, apologize to Alexis, NOW!"

"I'm sorry Midford, you were simply a pawn in one of my training sessions."

"And I really don't care what you do to your little boytoy over there, but if you ever, ever involve Alexis in your gay little shenanigans so help me Vincent-"

"It's not gay!"

"You don't need to strip him down before you handcuff him!" Frances yelled. She put the sword down on her vanity table next to her perfumes and makeup and took a hankie out of her dress pocket.

"Now, now Alexis, no more crying. We can go drink some tea and calm ourselves down in the parlor, alright?" she asked. Alexis nodded and Frances lead him out of her bedroom.

"Can you let me go now? I can taste blood," Diederich said.

"If I just let you out of those handcuffs, the entire point of this would be lost."


End file.
